I need to rant today. Sometimes I witness such disrespect towards people. People with disabilities. Children. People with little power. People. It makes me so angry. It makes me feel helpless. It gets me depressed.
Usually when I see it, it is in a school environment. Today I went to an post-high school program to facilitate a meeting for a student. It was lunch time and the student was eating her sandwich fairly quickly as she knew that our meeting would be starting soon. I was not at the table where she was eating with a couple of para- educators, but I was close by waiting to talk with her teacher. I overheard one of the paras loudly telling the 19 year old student how to eat her sandwich. How to eat her sandwich. As if there is only one way to eat a friggin' sandwich. It felt so rude and disrespectful.
Since I'm not a school employee and don't know the para, I didn't feel like I could say anything to her (although I might say something to her supervisor). Even if I was one of her co-workers, what in the world could I say in front of the student or the other paras?
Later, when we went to another room to have our meeting, one of the other paras who also overheard the sandwich incident brought it up to the student and asked her how she felt about it. The student said that she didn't let it bother her. Hmm... I wonder if it would be helpful to work with this student on how she could have handled this type of situation in the future?
What is even worse is that many times when I have witnessed disrespect it has been towards people with disabilities who have little or no verbal skills. They aren't able to speak out and defend themselves. This makes me stark, raving, lunatic-mom-mad. It upsets me because I take it personally. I know that it happens to my son. It happens to my son when I'm not there to defend him. Does anyone else defend him?
I need ideas. I need a way to handle this so that I don't feel like some kind of powerless by-stander. What do you/would you do?
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7 comments:
Hmmm. This is really interesting - that's the sort of situation where I think of cool things to say/do in the middle of the night, rather than at the time. I think you could talk to the paras superviser about offering training for all paras (and maybe other staff) so that this sort of situation is avoided - maybe something that involves role play and guidelines as to what is respectful - "equality, respect and intellectual disability" - or something like that. Or just offer written guidelines with a couple of examples of disrespect and how people felt?
Sometimes people are just ignorant and will think twice once the issues are spelt out for them. Sometimes they are just bullies and want to feel better about themselves by putting other people down. Can't think what you can do about those ones.
I love your blog by the way. My son is just 9 months old so it really means a lot to read your stories and think about how the future might be. Would it be alright if I linked to you?
My blog is at www.aliceiscanadian.blogspot.com
Agree with alice. But cannot help thinking that correcting the behavior as it occurs would carry more weight. I can see why you would not be the appropriate persom to do it. Difficult situation. Nelba
Sometimes I am glad Jack is still so young. The sandwich thing...it makes me want to cast the rest of the world away forever. While obviously I can't and would NEVER do this it's how I feel on the inside sometimes.
Right now if someone attempts to talk over Jack or assumes he can't do something I step in and say something. It may not be direct but I try to get my point across.
I don't know what I would have done in your situation -- I do think perhaps teaching the woman how to respond next time (because we all know there will be a next time) could be beneficial.
Hi Jodi,
I found your sight a while ago, I love reading about your son. I was actually looking for some info on our kids going through puberty when I found your site. My son is 13 and has down syndrome.
We just went through several months with a Teacher and my sons aide. The Teacher decided she didn't think that she could help him any longer and was trying to suggest he should go somewhere else. The Aide who is good friends with the Teacher was responding to D.J. in disrespectful ways and in doing so my son was really picking up on her irritation with him which only escalated any behaviors that were going on. He was also beginning to hate school. It seemed all the Aide and Teacher would talk about where the things that he did "wrong" according to them. Keeping in mind that my son is actually pretty high functioning, however is at a place where his education needs to be based more on life skills, these two ladies were resisting adapting his day accordingly.
We finally ended up having a meeting with the Principle, Teacher, Aides, school Psychologist, therapist in which the Principle was made aware of what we were dealing with and had a "conversation" with the Teachers.
We also had a professional come into the school and observe and she was able to make some very good suggestions regarding different ways to handle situations that arise.
Now after that long winded explanation, I just wanted to tell you that if I were that students Parent, I would be so thankful to know about the situation that you witnessed with the sandwich. I also think it would be a good thing for the Head Teacher/special Ed. to know about the situation so that they could approach the Aide and correct the problem or give her some suggestions/ideas on how to better relate respectfully to the kids in her charge. Even though that student says it does not bother her....really, how could it not effect her in a negative way that will manifest itself somewhere down the road. Hopefully, the Aide was just frustrated, maybe needs some additional training and is not just being mean spirited, in which case she should not be working with any of these kids.
It is nice to know that there are concerned people like you out there watching out for our kids!!
Have fun on your Girls trip...I am sure you deserve it!!
Tamie
Hi Jodi,
I'm really jealous of your girls trip - I hope you really have a lot of fun and come back refreshed.
The longer I go through this journey, the more I realise that people just don't "get it". Even the people that are supposed to know better. I also would have found many things to say in the middle of the night, but have been stuck for words at the time.
I worry too about what happens in my absence. My husband thinks I worry too much cause these are isolated incidences. The truth is that they aren't, are they? These things still happen. And will probably continue to happen. I read the other day about how a teacher was complaining because she continuously had to push in a girl's chair - geez, it's just a chair. I wish I could work out how to stop it too.
Take care,
Jacqui
Hi Jodi,
Love your blog. Hope you have great weather at the beach to inspire your goals.
Looks like an opportunity for education. Maybe brainstorm with the student and turn it into a learning session for the class about RESPECT.
What is it? How does it make you feel? and What to do when you do get it? On big sheets of paper with students doing the facilitating, writing and reading it back to the class. So Cool!!
Paula
Jodi, what if you and the student (or the school psychologist or teacher, together with the student) writes a letter to "someone" who tells her how to eat her sandwich or who criticizes her or acts annoyed with her?
Then, this letter a) gets published in the school newspaper, and/or b) gets posted in the teacher's lounge, or c) gets sent directly to the paras/aides and spec ed teachers.
The teacher or school psychologist who assised in the writing of the letter could have a comment on the bottom or a P.S., adding her own reflections (or rant) on the situation.
chris & Vic
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