Support

Some of the best memories of junior high through college are of my mother attending my tennis matches. She came to nearly all of them. She was there as a silent supporter. My cheering section. Always ready with a smile if I was feeling discouraged. Smiling still if I were playing well. Never critical. It didn't matter if I was winning or losing, she was there supporting me and I felt it. Her support was unconditional.

Perhaps this is why it particularly hurts that I don't feel her support when it comes to how I am parenting Kellen. She is mostly silent, but it is a different kind of silent. Instead of feeling supported, I feel that she is holding her tongue and trying not to criticize. When she can't hold her tongue, she will make a comment such as, "How is it going to work if he always gets his way?" or "Can't you just be firm and tell him 'NO'?"

The things she says are little things, usually just one-liners, but they cut. Probably because we are trying so hard. Kellen's dad and I are doing our very best with a tough situation. Kellen has not been an easy child or teenager to raise. We've had to pull together all of our personal resources as well as community resources. We've reached out to educate ourselves and to connect with others to learn from their experience.

I am being too sensitive? Probably. Do I still need my parent's approval? Honestly? It's nice when I have it, but no, I don't need it. I guess I just miss that feeling I got from her of unconditional support. I miss my head cheerleader.