"How are you holding it together?" a friend asked this morning. I never know how to answer that question. Truthfully? Many days I don't feel that I am. My blood pressure is higher then it should be. I worry, I cry, I juggle my responsibilities. I have a hard time fully relaxing. Yet...and yet...I still put one foot in front of the other. I still go to work, come home, and work some more.
Today Kellen and I went to the movie theatre with my friend and her son who also has disabilities and is a year younger than Kellen. In the middle of the movie, Kellen got up and walked out of the theatre. I think he was having a panic attack. I quickly ran back inside the theatre to tell my friend we needed to leave. Kellen was standing in the parking lot, shaking, and couldn't, or wouldn't, move to a safer spot. I gently blocked him with my body so he wouldn't run away while my friend quickly went to get her car and bring it around to us. While I waited for her, I contemplated calling 911. Fortunately when she arrived with the car, he seemed to feel safer with one of us on either side of him and we were able to escort him safely into the backseat and drive him back home.
When I had a chance to breathe again the thought that kept going through my mind was, "I know Who holds the future.I know Who holds the future. I know not what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future."
Yes, that is how I hold it together. I do not know what the future holds for Kellen. Is his anxiety going to get worse? Is it going to get better? Are we ever going to be able to eradicate it? Will he be able to hold down a job some day? Will he have any kind of quality of life again? Will we? Will his old personality return?
I do not know the answer to any of those questions. Not one of them. What I do know is that I have hope. I have hope because I know God has a plan for Kellen and for me.
I know God holds the future in his hands. That is how I hold it together.
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6 comments:
This moved me. I'm so sorry you have to worry all the time. You must be an incredibly strong person.
Hang in, friend.
Wow...powerful post, Jodi. I love how you phrase it: "I know not what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future". I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to borrow that phrase.
Take good care,
Heesun
Heesun,
You are welcome to borrow it as it's not mine originally. I tried to figure out where the quote came from, but had no success. I think Elvis sang it in a song though : )
You describe very well the known unknown we deal with, the unsolved , the ever present worry.
Living with the faith that God is in control is our hope. Thanks for reminding me with your description of your outing with Kellen. Anne
onegirlfriday
Sweet belief girl. Keep your faith and be strong, I have my wine for now....
I'm sure God has a plan for you. Think about how many hearts u touched in His name through this blog and His love and your love to your son.
Hold it together and hold it tight.
God Bless!
from Hong Kong
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