We've been interviewing candidates for an open position at my workplace. I was struck by the fact that a couple of the interviewees had graduated from college and moved to Western Washington. To a place where they didn't know anyone. I brought this up to a couple of my co-workers and they both mentioned that they had pretty much done the same thing after college. Wow, did I feel provincial.
I've lived in the same county since I was six years old. I went to elementary school in this area and graduated from college in this area. My husband has lived in this county since birth. My parents were born and raised in Western Washington. Their parents were all born and raised in the Pacific Northwest. Now my great-grandparents, that's where things diversify: four of them were born in Norway, one in New York, one in Illinois, one in Wisconsin and one in Canada.
I have roots here. Most of the time I think it is a great thing, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to move to a completely different area and start over from scratch. I imagine it must give someone a real feeling of confidence to be able to accomplish that. Maybe someday I'll find out for myself, but I don't think so.
I really enjoy helping to build community for Kellen. Lately the place he has felt the most comfortable (besides his bedroom) is our local health club. He and his dad have been heading over there a couple of times a week. They go to the jacuzzi, steam room, sauna, swimming pool...nothing too strenuous. Every time they go they see some of the same people. We never realized what a community "hang-out" the jacuzzi is. Many of the men there speak Korean, but Kellen doesn't care. He sits amongst them and simply enjoys their company. The last time there were there, Kellen was making some noises and Sweet Husband was quietly reminding him to keep his voice down. A big, tattooed guy spoke up, "No, it's ok man, let him." The jacuzzi guys are welcoming and accepting. Maybe there is something about the hot water, bubbles and swim trunks...some kind of relaxed, male-bonding ritual? Something to ponder.
I've heard that in order to find community it is important to visit the same places on a regular basis so people can get to know you. Go to the same Starbucks at the same time of day. Instead of always going through the drive-thru, sit at a table. Go to the gym and hop on a treadmill at the same time of day. Shop at the same stores and introduce yourself.
Is building community important to you? Are you intentional with your strategies? Please share, I'm curious.
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8 comments:
Yes i think community is very important for many reasons.
I have a similar life story -- born and raised here, as my parents were and my husband's parents. We purchased my husband's grandma's house after she passed away. This is the house my father-in-law grew up in...this is the neigborhood my husband used to run around in. I love hearing the stories of the neighborhood and community.
I do wonder what it would be like to move where we don't know anyone -- it scares and excites me all at the same time. Bravo to those that do it!
I think of Kellen often...I am glad to have the honor of reading about your family!!
Jaysen and I go many places, and are very interactive in our community.
However...
I have a deep-seated fear of talking to people that are around me. I can chat up a storm with anyone out in public, but have I talked to most of my neighbors? Nope.
Hmmm...I may have to blog about this... :)
Good post. We have moved alot and it has given me a sense that I am good at transitions. My daughters grew up and knew, when a map came out on the table, something was up.
It is hard at times to come up with that important sense of community. I am , while close to my family, working on community and see the need for longterm friends. lucky for me I am married to a very gregarious husband....he makes friends with Dustin via bike riding. So as long as I can tolerate men in spandex I am good. Anne
So, I'm on a first name basis with all my Starbucks Baristas. I do have a community there because I go everyday between 9:30 and 10:30. Besides this community I find a sense of belonging in our suburb very important. My husband grew up here and we've lived here for 14 years now. My 13 year old is always surprised by the people I know. When she tells me about someone at school, I say, "Oh I know they're mom." Yes there is something provential about suburbia, but ultimately belonging offers great security, like what happens in the hot tub! Great post and great to think about.
I grew up in the town my mother grew up in, about a mile from my grandparents' house. After college, I moved across country to NY and literally "re-invented" myself, got married and eventually moved (with my husband and son) to the town my husband grew up in. So now I am raising my son a mile from my in-laws in a very tight-knit community. Things have come full-circle.
That said, if we hadn't become parents, I do think my husband and I could have lived forever in the anonymous neighborhoody-ness of NYC. It is only as a parent that the sense of community is important to me because I feel it's important to raising my son. If we had more money to spend on housing, I would have looked for that same sense of community within the boundaries of the city--I would have turned to the West Village or the Upper West Side, but the expense was prohibitive. Hence, a life in the suburbs. In Mayberry, in fact. Not a bad thing.
I have spent many years in many ways building community around me. It's always been important to me. It hasn't been so intentional, more natural. I just want everywhere I go to be like "Cheers"-everybody knows my name. I have had to be VERY intentional at building community around my son. With as much practice as I've had with myself you'd think it would be easy. It's not. I feel like I'm always educating and feeling vulnerable. While my son experiences a lot of wonderfully positive community I wish it were more natural.
I feel ambivalent about community-building.
I, myself, am a bit of a loner. That makes it awkward and sometimes downright insincere to seek out others for any purpose. And if I cannot insert myself into a group comfortably, then I cannot insert Vic.
Vic, however, with no effort, inserts himself. He talks to everyone and anyone nonstop. He has few inhibitions and, in fact, he has few personal boundaries. Socially, he is a 2-year-old.
This fact works in his favor often enough. After years of being stared at in restaurants and grocery stores, some people in our small town have become used to his chattiness and other mannerisms.
At Tae Kwon Do, others even hide their smiles about his spontaneous outbursts in the Do Jang where we are supposed to be silent and respectful of the masters and instructors.
But it is a mixed bag, 50/50---some will allow him to engage them, and others are clearly trying to edge away. I know that I cannot take him to any kind of performance, as much as he loves music, dance, Prairie Home Companion--because he will distract other audience members with his constant chatter.
And I think "community" is 50/50, as well. There is the neat part, which most of you have written about. Then there is the not-so-neat part, where you have no privacy and everyone's nose may be into your business. Not because they care, but because they are curious and nosey.
At TKD, people ask "What are Vic's issues?" and I am usually fine talking about his history. But I see them losing interest after they have gotten a "label" for him. They just want a short phrase or a one-word label to help them understand his unusual behaviors.
On the other hand, there have been teachers that have said "He is such a neat kid" in a way that lets me know that he is valued even if he is different. This feels right--them valuing him. I call this genuine community involvement.
On the whole, it is difficult to be a part of any group when you are so different from the norm in behavior, in cognitive ability. Being different so often precludes belonging . . . in my view.
Chris and Vic
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